Hello ladies and sup bros! My name is Andy Schuster and welcome to “The Shoebox,” my new blog! I am from Toledo, Ohio and I’m a first year student at the University of Dayton as well as a member of the men’s cross country team and I’m pretty stoked to start this. I’m a pretty cool guy; I like running, listening to music, and taking naps. I hope I can give you guys some life lessons or teach you guys how to be cool. If not, that’s fine. My grammar and spelling is probably pretty wack, but I think this still might be a pretty dope blog. I just hope my English professor likes this because its for a grade. But you guys can feel free to give me feedback or whatever if you wanna. Welcome to the Shoebox!
P.S. I’m trying to get more Insta followers. @andy_schuster
GUESS WHO DUDES! Its me back at it again with another Shoebox blog. I’ve really missed you guys (not really). I’ve gotten so bored while stuck inside my house I’ve actually decided to start typing this crap again. I apologize if my grammer, speling, etc. is a little off, its been awhile since I’ve been in English class, thank God that is over. I just wanted to provide you guys with quality content while we are all hunkered down for the time being. I know y’all don’t got much better to do, so I expect some views on this blog guys.
What I have been up to: Not much really, just a bit busy being the GOAT. I’ve been running on tracks, talking that smacks, and making them stacks. Pretty much stuff any other cool guy would do.
Quarantine: As pretty much anyone who’s not living under 10 feet of dirt would know, do to recent events, much of the world has been placed under lock-down until further notice. While this might kinda succ, it is a necessary measure which everyone has to face. However, do not fret my loyal fans, I have constructed some masterful schemes in order to alleviate the boredom.
Stuff To Do: One thing I think we can all do is challenge your brain in as many ways as possible. Use your many hours of boredom to discover something that you would never discover something while you were busy. One such challenge I am doing right now is I am trying to evaluating every single Leonardo DiCaprio movie in order to see if any of his films are better than Chicken Run (2000). My current test results are shown below:
The Revenant– 8.7/10. Solid movie, favorite character was maybe the bear, because he was fuzzy. Not better than Chicken Run tho.
Once Upon A Time In Hollywood- 9.1/10. I liked it. I hate the name “Cliff” tho, making Chicken Run the better movie.
Inception– 7.888888/10. Good but you need a frickin Ph.D to understand it. The only thing you need to understand in Chicken Run is that chickens like to run. Not better.
The Great Gatsby- 6.89/10. I was ready to throttle Jay Gatsby every time he said “Old Sport.” What does that mean? Say “bro” like a rational human being. Not better than Chicken Run.
Gangs of New York- 6.91/10. Reminds me too much about history class. Chicken Run reminds of yummy food. Not better.
Catch Me If You Can- 812/2131. The human version of Chicken Run. Good movie, but forgot to pay respects to the original. Chicken Run is superior.
The Wolf of Wall Street- 12121/343434. Liked it, but I know I won’t get grounded if I just watch Chicken Run instead.
Shutter Island- 4/20. So many plot twists it made me feel like I just got a lobotomy. At least Chicken Run won’t make my head hurt.
Space Jam- 54/67. No Leonardo DiCaprio, but it was really funny guys. Chicken Run was funny too tho.
Romeo and Juliet- -7. If I were to pick between Juliet and a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, I would have choose the KFC.
Titanic- -8. If I were to pick between Rose and a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, I would have choose the KFC.
Current Conclusion: Although my studies are still persisting, as of now I can surmise that Leonardo DiCaprio is incapable of staring in a film which surpasses the greatness seen in Chicken Run (2000).
Well guys that is just example of something you can do to keep yourselves not bored during quarantine. Although you guys aren’t really good fans, I hope y’all can be safe during such a trying time. Everyone has to do something to try to help end this pandemic, even if its just by keeping your distance from others. Please make sure to wash your hands, stay at home if possible, and, above all else: READ MY FRICKIN BLOGS. Cya Shoebox.
Hey what is up Shoebox! Hope you guys had a great Thanksgiving! mine was pretty good to be honest. I ate a lot of food, but I didn’t get to see Frozen 2 which kinda blows, but whatever. I am not writing this specific blog to rant about how I didn’t get to watch my favorite Disney princess, I am here to talk to you guys about some dire circumstances… This might be my last blog ever guys. So I’ll wait for you guys to grab your tissues and your favorite teddy bear before I begin explaining. Got it already? Good. Here we go.
So some of you may know that this blog wasn’t just about me getting more clout. This blog was essentially just a series of homework assignments I had to do for my college writing seminar. And considering that my semester is ending in one week, along with this class, I will no longer be required to write these blogs anymore. While I am definitely considering just throwing in the towel and forgetting about this forever, this does not mean this is the end. Now I will be free to write whatever I want when I want! But this is only contingent on whether or not I actually have people reading this stuff. I’m not wasting valuable time writing to a brick wall guys. Y’all gotta do your fair share as fans, alright? Now just gimme a sec, I gotta write some stuff according to this prompt so I can get some extra credit.
Alrighty, when reflecting on this blog assignment, there are a few words I can use to describe this experience. Some of words being grotesque and asinine, yet at times this online excursion was indeed convivial and clubbable. This is just fancy talk saying that this blog assignment was kind of weird and stupid at times but sometimes it was kinda fun. When I was writing this stuff after doing hours of homework on Sunday night, not going to lie, this blog made me hate life. However, when I didn’t have much to do and I had a really good idea in my head, I was excited to write these. You can probably tell when I really had the creative juices flowing versus when I just wanted to get the blog out of the way judging by the length. I gotta be honest, I’m kind of a cocky guy, so I kinda had this idea in my head before I started these blogs that I was going to get like hundreds of followers and I was going to be sort of famous, but that did not happen at all. But that’s not entirely my fault, because who the heck looks at WordPress anyway? Nobody on the internet goes to the search bar saying, “oh I have a great idea. I’m going to read through a stupid blogging site that like has literally nothing relevant on it.” So all in all, this blog experience was filled with some mixed feelings as well as some unrealistic expectations that were not met.
Alright back to business. I just wanted to let you guys know that I do plan on blogging from time to time. It may not be as scheduled as it used to be, but I will be here. I really appreciate like the zero number of people reading this and I wish you guys the best. That being said, I want to end this last official blog with a poem I came up with while writing this. It goes:
This may be the end, the skies look a gloom
Just this last blog, then I finally can go to the bathroom
I just got to wash my hands though, otherwise that would be gross
Tomorrow morning I am definitely eating some toast
I am spitting bars right now. Post Malone hit me up
We should sing a duet, then go feed some ducks
But anyways, I digress
I really wish you guys the best
I first met y’all as youngins, back in your youth
But now you guys are some real ones, and that’s the truth!
Hey what is up Shoebox! I hope you guys had a good week. Mine was better than the last one. I apologize for going off on the last post, I still love you guys, I guess, I just was not in the blogging mood. However, my vibe has been checked and now I am back and better than ever. Now just pay attention to this blog, its probably the most important yet.
I’m pretty sure everyone has been dissed in some way, shape, or form. Your opponent more than likely made you feel embarrassed, defenseless, and most of all stupid. In that moment, you probably wished you too knew how to construct a verbal attack upon your adversary which would make them run off terrified of your insulting abilities. Lucky for you, I am the roasting master, and I have come up with a simple formula which will guarantee a solid roast in any possible situation. Note, this is intended for novice roasters and more creative methods can be used by one who have truly mastered this art.
Step One: “The Boi”
When commencing your roast, you want to start with this basic gesture known as “The Boi.” This simple move involves the flick of the wrist with your palm outstretched and pointed towards the roastee. This first step not only demonstrates your dominance over whoever you are roasting, it also instills fear within your opponent as it notifies them that their roast has begun and there is no going back. On a side note, “The Boi” can also be used as a counter-roast. If someone is dissing you just throw “The Boi” at them. This will put them in a state of confusion and despair as you have just invalidated their roast. All in all, “The Boi” is vital to the art of roasting, as it is usually used to initiate a longer roast and is used as defensive maneuver against attacking roasts.
Step Two: “Yeaaaaaaaa”
The follow up to the legendary “Boi” is the step in which you truly assert yourself over the person in which you are roasting. All this step entails is you, the roaster, getting in the face of your roastee, while saying, “yeaaaaaaa.” If you wish to be creative you may say, “yeaaaaaa, you flustered boi.” It is also recommended to utilize a clapping move while in the face of your unlucky victim. This adds style points as well as further fear and confusion for the person which you are roasting. This intermediary step towards the full roasting process is simple, sweet, and to the point, but may have means for modification depending on the user.
Step Three: “Put ‘Em Out!”
The third step of this fundamental roasting procedure merely emphasizes what you have done to prey. This ultimately draws a connection between roasting done in a culinary sense and actual roasting (what you are doing). Just as one may need to cool down a pot roast after roasting, you have to essentially “cool down” the roastee after you have metaphorically “burned them.” Contrary to the image shown above, ice buckets are usually not in the vicinity of a common roast, so simply fanning the roastee with your hands should suffice. While preforming your “cool down,” it is common to recite the phrase “put ’em out, put ’em out!” This will ultimately notify the roastee that you are still committed to the roast and give off an impression of ruthlessness, which will ensure that those witnessing this spectacle will not challenge you in verbal combat.
Step Four: Celebratory Motion
Step four is the finishing touch to the roast in which you have just preformed. The beauty of this step is that the “Celebratory Motion” used is left completely open to the roaster. Some of the most common moves used in this final step include the “Whip,” the “Nae-Nae,” and the “Whoa.” This highlights your enjoyment of the roast and serves as a warning to your roastee as you are not afraid to roast them again. After this is preformed, the roastee will more then likely to scurry off, warning their friends of your prowess. Congratulations! You just did a roast!
Closing Remarks
Now you guys know how to roast! Don’t be afraid to use these steps in any situation you find yourself in. I hope this process will nurture your roasting abilities so you too may grow into a roast master such as myself. But make sure to thank yours truly for instructing you in such an indispensable craft by following @andy_schuster on Instagram. That’s all I got guys. Happy roasting!
Hey guys, what is up. You already know who it is, bringing you another blog here in the Shoebox. Not even going to ask how your week was because I really don’t care. I’m just chilling in the Rosech Library cooking up a nice rant for you guys. So just read what I got to say, or don’t, I really don’t care.
Guys… I have a confession to make: I really don’t enjoy writing blogs. There I said it. It’s leaked, the cat is out of the bag, and the beans have been spilled. This stuff is just SO TEDIOUS. Right when I think I have all my work done and I’m ready to lie down, clock out, and hit the sack, the little voice inside my head tells me, “hey bro, you need to write another 250 word blog man.” And I’m just like, “Ughhhhhhhhhh.” This is not to mention that I have completely run out of ideas. Unlike what y’all might believe, I have a very limited and simplistic mind. I’m not just some generator of amazing material. I am just so happy that I am almost done with blog project. I would say I’m gonna miss you guys, but that would imply that there are actually people listening to me. Like hello? Is anybody out there? I feel like I’m talking down some dark void of despair, misery, and WordPress watermarks. The only positive from this is that I just hit 250 words on the dot. BOOM!
Hey what is up Shoebox! I hope y’all a pretty good week, kinda like I did. Nothing too big happened, I was just big chilling I guess. Just another blog coming up, ya know the usual. Just a forewarning, if any of you guys are big bird people, you might wanna leave because I’m about to go off on these feathery freaks. Anyways, enjoy the blog guys!
Ever since I was a young lad, I always held a disdain for all creatures under the bird family. This is probably because I was chased by a turkey at county fair when I was 3 years old, but I digress. Whether it be ducks, chickens, turkeys, or even ostriches, I’ve just never been I big bird fan. However, one particular animal takes the cake for the worst winged beast ever conceived: the modern day goose.
Three words can describe the common goose many are accustomed to: mean, stupid, and poop. The word “mean” is useful when describing this bird just because geese are angry and rude dudes. If you stand within a 6 foot radius within a goose it is likely they will chase after you wings outstretched with their cat-like hissing sound. Why can’t these guys just be chill and like let people pet them or something? Its like they look at everyone thinking, “alright who’s tryna catch these hands.” Geese are also pretty stupid too. Like I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least I know to move out of the way if I see a 4×4 barreling towards me on some gravel road. They can fly too like just move aside guys, for real. Lastly, geese poop literally everywhere. Giving them the last descriptive word of “poop.” I honestly can’t recall a time I’ve been to the park or a lake without their disgusting defecation littering every square inch of the place. I come home with my shoes covered in goose doo-doo. In short, geese are terrible, definitely would not chill with them, 1.5/10 tbh rating.
Alright that’s all I got for y’all this week. I’m kinda sorry if I offended any geese out there, but I did accidentally tripped in goose poo this morning so not really. Later Shoebox!
Sup Shoebox! Its ya boi, back at it again with another blog. I hope y’all had a great week! I am actually writing to you from Maryland right now, I think. I don’t know where I’m at actually. I just now I’m on a bus to some weird town in Virginia. Anyways, just sit back and enjoy the blog.
As some may know, I am a pretty big Spongebob fanatic. Or “The Bob,” as I call it. I honestly think its the best television show ever conceived. Its funny, clever, and it always reminds me of a simpler time. Every morning after a workout, I like to grab an egg and bagel sandwich, sit on the couch, unwind, and watch a few episodes of The Bob. So I think I know what I am talking about when I’m ranking the top 5 episodes of the best thing ever put on a TV screen. To be blunt, if you disagree with my rankings, you’re wrong.
5-Something Smells
Coming in at the number 5 spot is a season 2 episode in which Spongebob eats some twisted version of an ice cream sundae, ventures around bikini bottom confused as to why everyone turns and runs away from him, then his best friend Patrick convinces him that its just because he’s ugly, only later to find out its just because his breath stinks from his “sundae”. This episode has some very memorable moments such as Patrick’s “ugly barnacle story,” as well as Spongebob screeching “I’m ugly and I’m proud” atop his pineapple home. Nice episode, would definitely recommend, 4.6 out of 5 stars.
4- Krusty Krab Training Episode
This episode coming from season 3 takes a different approach to the normal story driven episodes, to provide the viewer an explanation of the inner workings of the Krusty Krab. This episode climaxes in telling the viewer how to make the famous Krabby Patty, but is abruptly cut off before giving away Mr. Krab’s secret formula. Memorable moments of this episode include the quote “sounds like a lot of hoopla,” the funny opening theme music, and Squidward banging his head on the cash register a repeated number of times. Pretty good episode, probably 6.52 out of 7 stars TBH.
3- Sailor Mouth
Rounding out the number 3 spot is a very solid season 2 episode, where the writers of The Bob decided to implement cursing into their children’s cartoon. As a child, I never understood the joke behind this episode, but as a young adult, this episode is pretty darn funny. In “Sailor Mouth” Spongebob and Patrick find curse words inscribed in a dumpster behind the Krusty Krab. Thinking they are “sentence enhancers,” they decide to repeat these words in each of their sentences. Of course, these words are bleeped out by dolphin noises, but a matured viewer can understand what Spongebob and Patrick are trying to say by context. This episode eventually ends in Spongebob, Patrick, and Mr. Krabs cleaning Mrs. Krabs’ house as punishment for their dirty language. Awesome episode, definitely a 94.37% rating.
2-Frankendoodle
Our runner up for best Spongebob episode of all time has got to be “Frankendoodle.” This episode in season 2 has Spongebob creating a clone of himself using a magical pencil, which eventually results in the clone terrorizing Bikini Bottom. Spongebob and Patrick then work together in order to defeat this creation. After supposedly being successful in destroying Spongebob’s clone, this “Doodlebob” finds his way to the magic pencil in order to restore himself to his original form. Spongebob then has to defeat his clone once more and send the magical pencil back to the surface world. Funny moments include Patrick’s “Finland!” comment as well as Doodlebob’s incessant yapping throughout the episode. Good episode, I’ll give it a 96.333/100 TBH rating.
Honorable Mention- Chocolate With Nuts
Not gonna write about this one too much because I’m not a walking type writer, but honestly a real superb episode, I’ll give it a 9/10.
1- Band Geeks
Finally, the best Bob episode of all time. “Band Geeks” is the 15th episode of the second season of Spongebob and it is pure art. It’s laugh out loud hilarious, inspirational, and even has a sick song at the end. In order to impress his rival Squilliam, Squidward must form a band to play in Bikini Bottom’s “Bubble Bowl.” At first the band is in complete disarray with members attacking each other and not having any knowledge in their instruments. After Squidward finally gives up on his dysfunctional group, Spongebob rallies the band together to help Squidward achieve his dream of conducting in the famous Bubble Bowl. Once they get to the Bubble Bowl, the band shocks Squidward by preforming an epic symphony which totally blows Squilliam away. It is worth noting that this episode was referenced in the half time show of the 2019 Superbowl and is one of the only Bob episodes which features every single primary character. Finally, this episode gives us arguably the most famous Spongebob quote of all time: “is mayonnaise an instrument?” Ultimately, this is the GOAT episode, so I’ll give it a 1234213/12 rating. Pretty solid if you ask me.
That’s all I got for you guys this week. So if you haven’t already, I would highly recommend watching some Bob this weekend. Just put down whatever your doing pick up that TV remote, because Spongebob is better than whatever else your doing right now. That’s all. Have a great weekend Shoebox!
I didn’t get a selfie, but this was the next best pic I got.
Sup Shoebox! I hope y’all had a great week! Mine was pretty good to be honest. I know last time I promised you guys a really good blog this week, but I have to write about this weird “First-Year Arts Immersion” thingy if that’s cool with you guys. Yep its another one of those guys. If leave this page right now, I honestly wouldn’t blame you. If you do wanna stay till the bitter end, just sit back and try to enjoy the blog. I guess.
As a first year student at the University of Dayton, I was required to attend an “arts immersion experience” for my humanities classes. This could include many things, such as a musical or play. This year, our arts immersion experience was the “Turangalîla-Symphonie” being held in the Schuster Center (great name). Due to a conflict with Cross Country, my freshman teammates and I had to see the dress rehearsal the day prior to the symphony. I’m just gonna keep it 100% real with you guys: this was terrible.
Supposedly Turangalila is supposed to be some sort of messed up love story, or at least I think it was based on each song title. I don’t know what to make of it. All I know is that the guy playing the piano ruined the whole orchestra. As soon as the music started to get good, this dude on the piano would just jam on the same two high notes for the rest of the song. Legit all I could focus on were this high pitched “dings” that comprised literally every single part of the symphony. That man was trying to give us headaches I swear.
Admittedly, after the symphony went on, my friends and I couldn’t really take it seriously, and this one elderly lady started to take notice. We weren’t being super loud or disruptive or anything. Just the occasional giggle or laugh really. But this old woman would not take her eyes off of us. Every time I looked to my left I got the same stern look. I honestly felt a little threatened, like she was going beat me up in the parking lot or something. Once the symphony was all done and dusted, we all left quickly to evade this lady’s wrath. I could not have been happier that forsaken “experience” was finished. The only good part was being in the Schuster Center.
The moral of the story here guys is to never to the “Turangalîla-Symphonie” willingly. Just stay home and watch Spongebob honestly. I really got no culture out of this, just some angry eyes and extra homework. That’s all. Have a great rest of your week Shoebox!
Hey Shoebox! I hope you guys have had a great couple of days! It has been a hot minute since I wrote a blog. But don’t fret my cool fans, I’m back at it again and I am better than ever (not really). Hopefully this blog will work the kinks out and I will be give you guys the same quality content you all thirst for. Enjoy the blog!
Right after a wrote my last blog, I had the privilege to venture out into the world with 3 of my bros to watch 2019’s The Joker. I promise I will have NO SPOILERS in this blog, but I have been freaking out about this movie for months, so I gotta get my thoughts across. This movie was awesome! The acting was dope, the music was cool, and the plot was super interesting guys. However, what I liked the most about this film, was that it was not just a movie, but an experience rather. The Joker wanted to make you feel unsettled and leave the theater thinking. And this movie has been on my mind for days. There were many “oh my gosh” moments in this film, in which the producers of The Joker did things you would think wouldn’t be allowed in a movie. I felt like this movie had the guts to go the extra mile where others would just play it safe and go by what is expected. All in all, I give The Joker, a 9.5/10 primarily for its over the top tactics that left the viewer feeling excited and almost frightened at what is going in the movie.
That’s all I got Shoebox. Sorry for the shorter blog, but I got bigger fish to fry tonight (rhetoric analysis essay *cough* cough*) . I just wanted to give you guys my thoughts without spoiling anything in regards to this cinematic wonder. Next weeks blog will be even more lit. Have a great rest of your week guys!
Sup Shoebox! I hope y’all had an excellent, exquisite end to your week. Mine was lowkey on fleek. I know my last few blogs have been pretty lengthy, but this one is actually going to be short guys. Its like 10 pm right now and I gotta wake up at 6 am so lets get through this thing. So just sit back, listen up, and enjoy the blog!
I just wanted to show you guys the top 5 underrated snacks which I believe deserve extra respect. These guys are the unsung heroes of our dining experience.
5:Apples With Peanut Butter
Always a reliable option. The crispness of the apple is a great compliment to the smoothness of the peanut butter. You get a pretty good combo of carbs, vitamins, and protein with this snack. Many people would rather just combine apples with caramel or just eat them plain, but this is the alpha method. Not bad, definitely underrated, probably a 6.2832/10 tbh.
4:Banana’s With Peanut Butter
Yet another respectable snack options. Often overlooked by the ever so popular PB & J. This healthy option will help you get through your morning. Nice potassium and protein duo. I’d definitely rate this a 6.2833/10 tbh.
3:Celery With Peanut Butter
One of my old school favs. A nice crispy, watery celery to go with a thick and creamy peanut butter. A lot of people don’t seem to appreciate celery but its pretty good not going to lie. Something I think all people should try.
2: Spoon With Peanut Butter
Now this stuff straight slaps. Easy to prepare, tasty, and pretty healthy. You may have to watch out for the roof of your tongue, because I have almost choked eating this before. I believe this is a little underrated just do to the fact that people would rather combine peanut butter with another food item, but it can preform well by itself.
Honorable Mention: Pears
Pears are often put in the shadow of their crispier apple counterparts. However, those in favor of a sweet and grainier fruit (like me) would love pears. When I look in other people’s fridges I usually can’t find pears, just grapes, oranges, and of course, apples. This is sad; if you haven’t had a pear before, give it a try!
1: Hand With Peanut Butter
Obviously not the neatest option, but this allows you to enjoy the wonders of peanut butter in its purest form. You don’t even need a utensil! Just grab a jar (make sure nobody else is going to use it though) and go to town! Pleasure make sure to wash afterwards and hope your peers don’t mind the possible lingering smell on your body. Tbh rating: 9.1111111112/10
Alright Shoebox. I hope y’all learned something. That’s probably as short as its going to get though. After I bomb my midterms, I will be able to focus more on better content and it will be pretty lit once it drops. Enjoy the rest of your week Shoebox!
Ay yo what is up Shoebox! I hope you guys all had a great week! Mine was pretty solid if I were to be honest. I really didn’t do that much, but it was still nice. I’m doing another early blog so I’ll have more time to study for even more exams this weekend. But I still think this will be an alright blog I guess. As usual I will leave my Instagram account down below, but knowing how well that’s going I don’t really have high hopes. Just enjoy the blog.
During my short time at the University of Dayton there is one thing that I have noticed that I feel is often overlooked by other students: the amount of squirrels on campus is absolutely astounding. These little grey guys literally pop out of every nook and cranny of UD, from Stuart Hill to Fitz Hall. While on my run this morning one of these rodents had the guts to jump out 2 feet in front of me, wag his little tail, then scurry off into the woods. Not going to lie, I was a little startled. But due the supreme intellect that I possess, that experience presented me an inquiry: how many squirrels can I take in a fight?
First, I will analyse and evaluate the squirrel. According to livescience.com, the common grey squirrel has a maximum speed of 20 miles per hour, are 15 to 20 inches in length, and weight around 1 to 1.5 pounds. Squirrels also have excellent eyesight, they have four front teeth that grow constantly throughout their lives, and their padded feet can cushion them from jumps up to 20 feet in the air. While squirrels often run when you chase them, they may grow aggressive if someone impedes on their territory and will attack over their turf.2 From my own observations, I have learned that squirrels like nuts and don’t perform well against automobiles. I also learned from watching National Lampoon‘s Christmas Vacation that squirrels can be very sneaky in enclosed areas and can easily attach themselves on clothes. All these facts may prove unfortunate for yours truly if the squirrels decided to coordinate their attack in waves of 3 plus squirrels per group. While these guys are small, they are mighty and potentially vicious if need be.
Before I talk about me, I would just like to quickly iterate that I have no intention of killing, maiming, or seriously injuring any squirrel in this theoretical fight. I just want to determine how many squirrels I can assert my dominance over before they eventually overwhelm me. These are very special creatures and they’re pretty freaking cute.
Now onto yours truly. First off, I’m not gonna lie, I’ve never actually been in a real fight. Despite my lack of combat experience, I think I’m a pretty fit dude. I mean, I workout kinda regularly. Lifting weights, I think I’m a little jacked, and I run a bit too. I did karate when I was four too. I’m not going to list off my height and weight like I did for the squirrels because that’s kind of personal guys. However, I think a key component of this battle won’t come down to physical attributes, but wit and intelligence. As y’all already know, I’m a bit of a genius and I’m a super charming fellow. Although many would disagree (just like every other statement in this paragraph), I can be a scary guy if I need to be, kind of, I guess you could say. These advantages could prove vital when I’m toe to toe with a swarm of squirrels.
As far as the fight goes, I obviously am taller, heavier, stronger, have more endurance, and hopefully smarter than a single squirrel. If I took on one squirrel I could easily just continuously toss him aside until he got tired and decided to go home to take a nap. The problem arises when I am facing a whole horde of squirrels. I could prep by wearing very heavy clothing which will prevent their little teeth from hurting me. From their I could just pluck each one off and toss them aside. I could use my hose to just spray those little guys until they wanted to go home to dry off. If the squirrels were massed into a giant sphere a could just drop kick them and they would go flying every which way. Packing peanuts for the battle might also be good as I could just charm them into not attacking me. If I was not prepared, I could just try to scare them off by frantically waving my arms and screaming until they get super spooked and just go home. However this may not work for a larger crowd of squirrels. I could try out running the squirrels, so they just get gassed and go home. My last defense would be to beg for mercy, but I don’t think the squirrels would know English so I think they would just keep nibbling. It is important to note that squirrels are wild animals and will not fight fair, so I really have no idea how exactly will play out, but these are just some educated guesses.
Given my data shown in paragraphs above, I think I have reached a conclusion. Two conclusions actually. This is because if I wasn’t prepared for a squirrel attack, I’d honestly probably just run home, I gotta keep it real with you guys. However, given proper preparation, I believe I could take on a horde of approximately 70 squirrels. Despite all the non-lethal tools in my arsenal and my physical, mental, and charismatic advantage, eventually that furry mob will get the better of me. I just gotta be real with myself there and be real with you guys. However, I don’t think a lot of other people would be capable of taking on 70 squirrels, because that’s just kind of crazy. Please give feedback if you do not concur with my results and I will be up for open discussion regarding the number of squirrels I could do battle with before I eventually throw in the towel. Have a good weekend Shoebox!
The Shoebox 